Help the Cannon Family

"My friend Sabrina Cannon lost her husband this morning to a massive heart attack, he was 38 years old. She is the primary breadwinner for her family and is now going to be raising her 11 year old autistic son on her own. She was working the night shift at Sheetz where she is a supervisor while her husband stayed home with their son. Because of his death, Sabrina is having to take a leave of absence from her job and will have no income, on top of having to deal with this incredible loss. Please, if you can, help my friend and her sweet little boy get through this tough time."

Sabrina is MY friend, too. I have known her for 18 years. Her husband was a kind and wonderful person, and now he is gone. 
Please help if you can and please share this link...

http://www.gofundme.com/jejjxw

The hard decisions

So I have decided after talking to my mamma bears (Donna and Cherie, my late friend Ava's mom, and my aunt) that moving back to the east coast is probably in my best interest after all!

Not going to lie- I am so tired of moving.

g and I both wish we could transport this house to Maryland! It's super cute and just the right size. One thing I had learned  is- it is very hard to keep clean when you work as much as I do and have a kindergartener tornado running around..

Another is, in order to afford a home in this area, I have to live far from all of g's current services and I cannot afford his dad's neighborhood. This means  spending extra time and money that I don't have going from here to there.

I have decided to - depending on when they sell the house, move back home with G. If we had a home to go to, that would be cool, but the closest thing to that is my aunt's house and she's closer to the shore than the schools we need to be near for G.

I'm not worried about much else at this point - just getting us settled.

Now that the ex is letting us go, finally, I have to take the opportunity. Get while the gettin is good.

The closest friends I have here are my boss, two co-workers, and a lady from the company i contract for! 

I don't see any chance of branching out here. Cincy has served her purpose. Everything I've tried to do to make this work for me has failed. 

Just being back easy briefly for the holidays was proof enough. In just 48 hours I saw some family and friends and I gotta say- it felt good. I didn't realize how isolated my ex had made us. I missed a lot of things.

I will be able to get to Ottawa and visit my friends up there in 8 hours, cleveland in 6, jersey/philly in 3, the shore in 3, and my Georgia mountain mama in 8. Not too shabby.

Watching G play with my cousins kids and my friends kids was just incredible. I never thought he would back when he was diagnosed. How far we've come.

Looking forward to healing and positive change.

born with an abundance of inherited sadness

Well, it is December. A week from Christmas.
People around me at work complain that they can't get Christmas shopping in. Boo-f'ing-hoo.

I realize that I must be an oddball. This year has damn near destroyed me. I went back to school this fall thinking that my ex, G's dad, would be exercising his parenting rights by at least taking his son every other weekend. Then he threw a little fit because OMG he has to pick up his son every day from school. How terrible, right? I interrupt my work day everyday and often work 6 days a week to make up for the time I lose by dropping G off at his special ed program 20 + miles from my house.
Then threatened to try to lower child support if he has to take him any more than that.
It just weirds me out that guys can be like this. If I was a dad, and my ex-wife was like "hey, would you like to see your son more" I think I would want to. Kids don't stay kids forever. Anyway, G is awesome and he's a pretty easy kid. I mean, he's messy and moves furniture around as he pleases, and leaves toys everywhere. Potty trained but his AIM is terrible, hehe.

You know I work full time, often from home, and honestly I cannot keep up with running a house by myself. Being a parent to a special needs child with NO FAMILY near, no help near, and an ex who thinks he's doing you a favor by taking your son for 4-5 hours on a rare Saturday so he can show off his cute kid to his girlfriend's friends and family...well - I am spent.

The ex always wants to take G when his girlfriend has an occasion to show him off. How very novel! Your boyfriend has a special needs little boy that he can take here and there for hours at a time. Tres chic. Is it trendy to date single dads - a la the new hipster beard thing? What ever will you do when the novelty wears off?

I am living in a city that I don't know and can't get to know. I don't get out.

I see people pulling the "woe is me single mom" crap but they go out and about and sometimes they meet a new guy who loves them, loves their kid, blah blah. And they have local friends and family. A village.

I am freaking out because I can't do this single mom thing very well, financially. I just can't. It's too hard.
I am renting this lovely house and I am supposed to buy it this Spring but I am drowning in bills - medical bills, taxes I owe because I dissolved my retirement in order to afford a lawyer. I was supposed to get a divorce settlement but I forgot who I was dealing with. I got half. I got half of the debt taken care of - that is a plus. But I had hoped to clean up things. Paying all of G's medical from the time he was diagnosed with autism really kicked my ass. I fear that I will not be able to buy this house in the spring. If that is true, and it most likely is, they will be putting it on the market so even if I could go to school this semester - I would not because I need to be able to clean for when people come look at the house. If it sells, we have to move. My lease is up in August, but like I said - if it sells we have to move. I am so tired of moving.

My going to school this fall allowed me to defer my student loans.
I managed to lose a lot more sleep but i got an A in each of the two classes I took. So at least I know I can do it. It's just a matter of timing then.

The financial repercussions of divorcing a narcissist with wealthy parents are broad and deep. I had no idea I was getting into something so life-threatening. I feel like there is no escape. I'm in his town.

I spend a lot of time researching other places I could live where G would get similar services. I find myself looking at moving back to somewhere I used to live and could probably afford, but I do like my job here. G has good services here.

When my car is paid off I may ask my son's dad if I can go. Right before we visited that place, the ex told me G and I can move away. I wonder if he means it. He even said "don't worry about airfare."

I'm in a lease and G's in the middle of using his Ohio Autism Scholarship.
I think G could probably hold his own in public school next year if I took him to therapy at least once a week.

What we are doing right now is hurting me financially. The timing, the distance, the frequency, the fact that my work provides a 40% discount on services that we are paying full price on now. Cause the ex didn't like helping drive G to therapy. He never even paid a co-pay.

Why I put up with this? Everyone says, just leave.

One must remember that I have a good job here where I WFH 4 days a week and they allow me to make up time on weekends. My bosses are excellent and my company is world class and people come here from all over just to work there. We get medical residents from all over. I like what I do. Where else could I work that would let me do this?

It's Christmas, and instead of worrying about what G will get under the tree, I worry about keeping my car and making rent. G is not going to be upset that I couldn't get him anything epic (i'm going to buy him a few more plants for his plants vs zombies game) but I keep him clothed and warm and fed and he's the kind of kid that appreciates this kind of thing.

I also have no idea how I am going to keep paying for these braces - but I am going to try. I have braces at the age of 35 and for the first time since I lived in Canada and my pregnancy, I only have 4 migraines a month instead of 8-9. My bite is slowly moving and I can't wait to chew food with a corrected bite. Should be epic.

My ex said things to me like, well, you gotta get your teeth fixed if you want to meet a guy, etc...because guys will always find someone hotter than me with better teeth. Look, I don't want to be with someone that would leave me because my teeth are crooked and chipped. Just like I don't want to be with someone who financially abuses me, controls me, and yells at me in front of my son.

I buy my cat Rudy's cat food in bulk, and he's pretty awesome. Since I already had a dog and a cat, I decided to get Rudy a brother or sister. Instead, the animal rescue suggested Dory and Cora. Indeed, my house is a little happier and full of life. Dory jumped into G's bath today and had him cracking up for a good 15 minutes. So it's not all doom and gloom here. G loves having pets.

So it does look like I will be partner-less for the rest of my life, with my son and my cats and my dog. I'm okay with that. I'm going to have to get hugs by driving to Cleveland here and there to visit friends. I need HUGS. G will give me hugs here and there, but he's tiny and I need to feel the security of a big person hug. I don't have that here.

I won't be able to finish grad school just yet. The undergrad put a hold on my transcripts. I owe them some money. It's unfortunate but in life I have had to put G's needs before mine constantly and this is one of those times. Plus, I need time to cook and clean, and I don't have a break, but rarely.

Thinking about a life with no romance in it is easy. There was none in my marriage and you don't miss what you never had. I dated one person briefly after P and I split and he was just as jerk-tastic as my EX - he lied to me all the time & dropped me for a girl he used to date (and is now engaged to.) The guy seemed too good to be true - he brought me flowers, dinner, gave me hugs, went for long walks (back when G's dad used to take him twice a week and I had "me" time)...but he was so sneaky and was hiding something. I hoped he would just tell me the truth but he never did. I had to tell him to never contact me again. I don't need people like that in my life. I also just don't give a crap about what people think. I am who I am, who I say I am, and have nothing to hide. I come from nothing, from parents who only cared about themselves and not us kids, and you know? I went to college. I worked hard for everything I have. I don't hurt or lie or steal. I am too genuine, such that it gets me hurt all of the damn time. I also know that I have amazing taste in friends and were it not for them, I would have never survived this divorce.

I never imagined I would be doing this parenting thing, and I never imagined I would be doing it SO ALONE. But even though G's dad lives in his parent's house for FREE and they live in their other house, I wonder why I didn't get that kind of fortune in life. I can't go home - there is no home.

I am sure things will calm down soon - I just know it's going to take a few years for me to get out of the pit of despair that is post-divorce. I just wish my ex would put his son above his girlfriend when it comes to prioritizing, but he won't, and I can't change that. It bums me out. I have to remind him that if I die, G will only have him and it's in my EX's best interest to help me get on my feet by doing his share of parenting, and complying with court orders. If I die, the ex is going to lose his extravagant lifestyle  - the weekend trips with his girlfriend, the dinner reservations, the concerts, the sleeping in, the all night "you-know-what" aka getting it on all night without a kid climbing into your bed stuff he likes to do and brag to me about. I had to ask him not to tell me certain things. I just don't want to know.

I know there are blogs where the moms are super positive yada yada and for some reason people think I am classy and positive but I assure you, I am dying inside. I never dreamed I would be living like this.

Must. Remain. Positive.

There is a little boy who depends on me and there is no time to cry or feel sorry for myself.

I am going to go snuggle him now.

G's imaginary friends & other stuff

G is actually quite verbal these days - almost conversant. It's been a lot of fun being his mama, even though I am EXHAUSTED and stressed out about a lot of things that I can't do anything about at this time.
So, he was telling me that he had a brother named Brad, and a sister named Jaitlyn. He made that up. Jaitlyn. His dad and I figured that it was that he was learning about siblings and family in school.

more research please!!!

"CONCLUSIONS: Associations regarding family history of type 1 diabetes and infantile autism and maternal history of rheumatoid arthritis and ASDs were confirmed from previous studies. A significant association between maternal history of celiac disease and ASDs was observed for the first time. The observed associations between familial autoimmunity and ASDs/infantile autism are probably attributable to a combination of a common genetic background and a possible prenatal antibody exposure or alteration in fetal environment during pregnancy."
---
http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/124/2/687.short
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I wish I had known that I had an elevated ANA - but who tests expecting mothers for that?  MORE RESEARCH!!!!! need more research! autoimmune disorders in parents of autistic children. biomarkers for inflammation.

Also - we've discovered that G has NOT outgrown his Casein intolerance and his poor little distended belly is hurting him so much. My heart breaks because I have not been as strict about his diet as I should be. 

Also you should watch "sounding the alarm" from Autism Speaks because if you know me and you want to understand what this is like, at all, this hour long documentary is a great starting point.

It was a nice sort-of counter documentary to Pink Ribbons, because corporations don't have a lot to gain by giving money to autism research, but as you have seen, breast cancer is very profitable for corporations.

However, my heart is lightened when my amazing friends send me links about corporations seeking to employ autistic adults because they are very task oriented. Software companies in particular. This brings me a lot of hope because my son responds best to lists. You have to list EVERYTHING or put it in a schedule form for him to understand it. Also, if you deviate, it can really throw him off. He's pretty good at long car rides and travel for the most part, so that is good, but I really can't wait until he has regular school hours and doesn't have to have such long, fragmented days.

if you only knew what my days are like now.

I wake up, log into work until G wakes up, then i log off ( i am a nurse case manager for adverse events from cosmetics and pharmaceuticals - think someone being allergic to penicillin-type stuff.)
I then get him fed, toileted, bathed, dressed, and ready for school which starts late mornings and drive him there - it is two counties over. then drive back to the office or my home office. I work and his dad picks him up when school lets out and watches him until I can drive back up there and pick him up. sometimes his dad will drive him to my house because I live about 2 miles or so from his girlfriend. It's about convenience, you know.

I am lucky if I make my full time hours. I haven't had a vacation in YEARS because I can't afford to take time off work. I use my PTO to make up hours if my ex goes out of town or if G or I have appts.

YEARS. can you imagine? NO TIME OFF. EVER. Maybe a day. No family support here in this town. My friends are my coworkers and thank god for the mom meet-up group. and these awesome church planter missionary whovians I met. Will I ever have a week off? probably not. Can't see it happening anytime soon. My ex didn't believe in taking time off. or, if he did, i didn't know about it, and he wasn't spending that time with G or I. He does take time off now to spend with his girlfriend who, ironically, is a night shift nurse. (which is what I was going to be in Canada, was in Cleveland, and was as a travel nurse, and in Georgia.)

anywhooooo

back to my nutty life. work does tuition reimbursement and so i am seizing the opportunity to take 2 grad level classes at a time. I can no longer do shift work as i have no one to watch my son if a shift goes over and i can't do day/night rotation. I suppose his dad can take him here and there but he's not too interested in that, and his dad travels. his dad wants to take a job that travels more and I have BEGGED him to wait until first grade where his class and therapy schedule would be more normal.
Grad school is like the second job i needed in that i will be able to do more with my degree once G is older. He will still need supervision, so like I said, shift work is no longer an option.

somedays i get so sad and overwhelmed. then people far and away do things like call, write, send mail, send packages, send help, and let me know I am not truly alone. Still - I wish I were in Ottawa, Chicago, or Washington DC where I have family/friends/support. It's hard and I don't want to overwhelm the few local people I have. 

I am lucky for my job - but I fear that my productivity is down because of my anxiety to get things perfect and I worry all the time. i am trying to find that perfect medium between speed and quality. 

I am very scared.  All i can do is keep truckin' on and eat healthy and stay active and try to make this house of cards withstand the winds that keep trying to blow it down.

next blog - G's imaginary friend Brad.

unbelievable abundance of joy

Lately some really neat things have happened. As you know, I had a very rough year.
However, some really cool things have been going on and I wanted to mention them, since I am so busy these days & I don't want to forget.
G tested very highly when it comes to kindergarten readiness. When the team at his school district were evaluating him this summer, they noted that he is actually almost ready for first grade for the most part. Except for social things/behavioral things. That is where his ABA comes in.
He started a school that is only for autism/developmental delay and he is improving so much that I find my self in awe.
When I started this blog, I had no idea if he'd ever tell me if he was hurt, hungry, etc. Now he tells me specifically things that he wants and needs. Like the Lego Movie "Lord Business" set or a glass of water.
His sentences are almost neurotypical. Everyday we practice conversations. His dad had him on Saturday so I could work the hours I missed on Labor Day. G wanted to call me. He actually talked to me (mostly answering yes/no questions) for a few minutes.
he even has an imaginary brother that he tells me about. He says "my brother is Brad. His dad is Harry and his mom is Sarah. his room is the light blue room."
His reading is also way amazing. He started reading one of my nursing articles for school, aloud. "the focus of this paper is to..."
He is also almost 100% potty trained. He hugs me and tells me he loves me.
I am so honored to be this kid's mama. He works so hard. It is paying off.
His progress is astounding. Wow. just wow.

single motherhood...how do you do it!?

So, divorce happened on June 3rd. However there are A LOT of loose ends to tie up - so i still can't really talk much about it still. What really irks me is, i have friends who say, oh, my divorce cost me 10.50 or 50 dollars or 500 dollars. When you have someone who has taken taken taken and taken from you all throughout your marriage, they don't know how to NOT hurt you or try to control you. So this divorce will total out at my costs of 8,500$ if the last ends get tied, timely. My lawyer is very expensive and my ex has made it very hard to just finalize things. I don't understand. However, his parents have been helping him and he makes a hell of a lot more money than I do. I get very upset when I think about the debt I could have paid off (this journey has been very expensive!) with the money that i spent on my lawyer - who just took ANOTHER vacation. Of course he did.
I had to dissolve the little bit of my retirement that I had left from trying to survive last year without any financial help from the ex - save from him FINALLY splitting daycare with me and taking it over when I moved out. So now I have $150 in my retirement. Gotta rebuild.
I am exhausted and I am trying SO HARD to get into calm waters. The seas have been so rough for so long and I am wiped out. I have my son most of the time now. It is hard. He is high energy. Autism parenting is a full time job in addition to my 40 hour a week full time job. My hope is to get us moved into a house soon that I will eventually be able to buy. If I pay it off over 30 years, I will be 66 and my son will be 30. It will be nice to have a place for him to live as an adult. I will have to set up a trust to make sure his utilities stay on and that he has groceries and all that essential stuff. I don't know how high his functioning will be, but he is doing really well now - he speaks very well and can have two or three sentence dialogues now!! I will say, "hey did you eat your chicken" "no i eat apples"  "and what about your juice...juice or water?" "I want water."
Not too bad!
He is also mostly potty trained now.
I have been blessed with the ability to work from home now 4 days a week, with the 5th being in the office.  40 hour work week.  I would not be able to work any other job - I have to drive G to school every day at a very odd time. i can't do night shift nursing anymore because my son's dad wants very little overnight time if any. He has a serious girlfriend now and he wants to spend his free time with her. He only takes his son minimally. He picks him up from school - lets me finish work - and drops him off LITERALLY the minute I sign off on my computer.
At this point in my life, all i know is that i want a place to live, food on the table enough for G and I and a career that supports me being a single mom to a special needs child. I also need to pay off my student loans, too. I will try to consolidate them with direct loans - they have a forgiveness program for nurses which I want to look into. God knows I have done enough CPR and lifesaving that I qualify. I feel less anxious now since I don't have to call Code Blue on the job anymore. I can pick up some PRN work locally, but like I said, G's dad doesn't take him overnight much now. I can't work more than I already do, even though it would help SO VERY MUCH.
I really am on my own for the most part - yeah i have some friends and some family but my parents really don't help much (because they can't or won't) so my paternal aunt and my friend's mom have been very helpful where they can. but I have no family here in SW OHIO and so it gets pretty lonesome and tiring.
People tell me I will find someone nice one day. No way. I can't think about anything else but the survival of G and I. I have found men to be nothing but a liability or extraordinarily expensive. It's like having a grown son that leeches off of you. Forget it. All the good ones are taken or live too far away.
I took G to his first movie in a theatre on Friday. He did great! It was the Lego Movie. he loved it...especially the spaceship guy! SPACESHIP!!!!! it was a bit intense and he turned around a lot. You know what, though? I LOVE THIS KID. with all my heart. He is my joy and I love spending time with him, even if he makes it hard to keep a clean apartment. His health and happiness are my reward, everyday. Let's do this.