So, divorce happened on June 3rd. However there are A LOT of loose ends to tie up - so i still can't really talk much about it still. What really irks me is, i have friends who say, oh, my divorce cost me 10.50 or 50 dollars or 500 dollars. When you have someone who has taken taken taken and taken from you all throughout your marriage, they don't know how to NOT hurt you or try to control you. So this divorce will total out at my costs of 8,500$ if the last ends get tied, timely. My lawyer is very expensive and my ex has made it very hard to just finalize things. I don't understand. However, his parents have been helping him and he makes a hell of a lot more money than I do. I get very upset when I think about the debt I could have paid off (this journey has been very expensive!) with the money that i spent on my lawyer - who just took ANOTHER vacation. Of course he did.
I had to dissolve the little bit of my retirement that I had left from trying to survive last year without any financial help from the ex - save from him FINALLY splitting daycare with me and taking it over when I moved out. So now I have $150 in my retirement. Gotta rebuild.
I am exhausted and I am trying SO HARD to get into calm waters. The seas have been so rough for so long and I am wiped out. I have my son most of the time now. It is hard. He is high energy. Autism parenting is a full time job in addition to my 40 hour a week full time job. My hope is to get us moved into a house soon that I will eventually be able to buy. If I pay it off over 30 years, I will be 66 and my son will be 30. It will be nice to have a place for him to live as an adult. I will have to set up a trust to make sure his utilities stay on and that he has groceries and all that essential stuff. I don't know how high his functioning will be, but he is doing really well now - he speaks very well and can have two or three sentence dialogues now!! I will say, "hey did you eat your chicken" "no i eat apples" "and what about your juice...juice or water?" "I want water."
Not too bad!
He is also mostly potty trained now.
I have been blessed with the ability to work from home now 4 days a week, with the 5th being in the office. 40 hour work week. I would not be able to work any other job - I have to drive G to school every day at a very odd time. i can't do night shift nursing anymore because my son's dad wants very little overnight time if any. He has a serious girlfriend now and he wants to spend his free time with her. He only takes his son minimally. He picks him up from school - lets me finish work - and drops him off LITERALLY the minute I sign off on my computer.
At this point in my life, all i know is that i want a place to live, food on the table enough for G and I and a career that supports me being a single mom to a special needs child. I also need to pay off my student loans, too. I will try to consolidate them with direct loans - they have a forgiveness program for nurses which I want to look into. God knows I have done enough CPR and lifesaving that I qualify. I feel less anxious now since I don't have to call Code Blue on the job anymore. I can pick up some PRN work locally, but like I said, G's dad doesn't take him overnight much now. I can't work more than I already do, even though it would help SO VERY MUCH.
I really am on my own for the most part - yeah i have some friends and some family but my parents really don't help much (because they can't or won't) so my paternal aunt and my friend's mom have been very helpful where they can. but I have no family here in SW OHIO and so it gets pretty lonesome and tiring.
People tell me I will find someone nice one day. No way. I can't think about anything else but the survival of G and I. I have found men to be nothing but a liability or extraordinarily expensive. It's like having a grown son that leeches off of you. Forget it. All the good ones are taken or live too far away.
I took G to his first movie in a theatre on Friday. He did great! It was the Lego Movie. he loved it...especially the spaceship guy! SPACESHIP!!!!! it was a bit intense and he turned around a lot. You know what, though? I LOVE THIS KID. with all my heart. He is my joy and I love spending time with him, even if he makes it hard to keep a clean apartment. His health and happiness are my reward, everyday. Let's do this.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Sunday, June 8, 2014
small victories
My son's most excellent preschool was getting prepared for the upcoming summer camp session. staffing ratios go way down in the summer. They were concerned that with G's wandering, and his occasional not-so-nice-hands social interactions, that there was no way they could keep him safe, as well as keep the other kids safe. They offered the suggestion of us getting him an aide for the summer.
I consulted some of G's most excellent healthcare providers. His psychologist is one of the very best in the United States, Dr. Bass. I figured there might be some grad students interested in some one on one ABA experience for the summer. However, my budget is already stretched, and no way could G's dad pay for an aide AND school tuition. (We agreed that in lieu of me getting traditional child support when I filed - yes this time I filed, that P would just pay tuition and what the county recommended beyond that -which wasn't much.)
I consulted some of G's most excellent healthcare providers. His psychologist is one of the very best in the United States, Dr. Bass. I figured there might be some grad students interested in some one on one ABA experience for the summer. However, my budget is already stretched, and no way could G's dad pay for an aide AND school tuition. (We agreed that in lieu of me getting traditional child support when I filed - yes this time I filed, that P would just pay tuition and what the county recommended beyond that -which wasn't much.)
June came, and we had to withdraw G from school. Luckily for us, P has really nice parents and they've never really got a chance to spend the kind of time with G that G's cousins have had. P's parents own his condo so they are staying there for a while as they visit from Florida. They have kindly offered to stay with G during the day while P and I work. It is such a blessing!
I love that G gets to know his paternal grandma and grandpa, AND Oma, his grandma's mom. She is tiny and speaks Dutch, as she is from Indonesia (she's a dutch indonesian) and G thinks this is awesome. G tries to imitate what his Grandma and Oma say to each other. So cute. I like that he's being exposed to dutch. I am a huge fan of exposing your children to multiple languages if you can. I wonder how the autistic brain processes this because of how much trouble we had just getting G to speak english!
Way before P and I were married or even thought of having kids, I knew that if I ever had a child, I was going to speak some Welsh to him or her. Wales has a great program called TWF that I ordered some materials from. I think they are in P's garage somewhere hopefully. I don't speak much welsh to G because of the focus of spanish in school, but I do sing in French to him. Savez-vous planter des choux? A la mode, a la mode?
Way before P and I were married or even thought of having kids, I knew that if I ever had a child, I was going to speak some Welsh to him or her. Wales has a great program called TWF that I ordered some materials from. I think they are in P's garage somewhere hopefully. I don't speak much welsh to G because of the focus of spanish in school, but I do sing in French to him. Savez-vous planter des choux? A la mode, a la mode?
Well, work is pretty flexible thank heavens, and I do get to work from home in a few weeks, so I am really excited. The timing could not be better...G starts his special autism scholarship program in July which will focus on behavior mostly and I am a-ok with that. I have to be able to take him to and from during the day though.
Academically, he is very advanced. He reads, he types, and he spells. He is right next to me at the moment watching you tube videos ( I have to supervise - he types 'surprise eggs' but that isn't always the only thing that comes up - omg parenting in the 2010's!)
He's had so much progress in speech lately that I wonder what his speech therapist is going to say when she sees him this summer. He also has some lower extremity weakness and core instability per his PT eval, so I know that I will get him re-evaluated this summer to make sure we have made some progress. They told me yoga is helpful, and G does like his simple yoga poses! (so does mommy!) OT victories include no-struggle teeth brushing and flossing, dipping foods, and trying some new foods, too! He also has had two no-cry haircuts!!!
Academically, he is very advanced. He reads, he types, and he spells. He is right next to me at the moment watching you tube videos ( I have to supervise - he types 'surprise eggs' but that isn't always the only thing that comes up - omg parenting in the 2010's!)
He's had so much progress in speech lately that I wonder what his speech therapist is going to say when she sees him this summer. He also has some lower extremity weakness and core instability per his PT eval, so I know that I will get him re-evaluated this summer to make sure we have made some progress. They told me yoga is helpful, and G does like his simple yoga poses! (so does mommy!) OT victories include no-struggle teeth brushing and flossing, dipping foods, and trying some new foods, too! He also has had two no-cry haircuts!!!
Now that I will be getting regular child support in July, I can be more adventurous with groceries and try even more foods with G. I sold my acoustic bass (omg - that was hard for me) and I bought a kitchen-aid mixer so I can make him more baked goods at home. I made his birthday cake. Fondant is not as easy to use as they make it look on TV!!! My next project tonight will be vanilla muffins.
On Thursday this week, on my way home from work to pick him up from his dad's and give Grandma a break, I was in a car accident. One that was my fault I suppose, because I knew the folks in front of me were dealing with some idiot in front of them repeatedly brake slamming, People were coming up behind me fast and getting too close. I got nervous and I wanted to get over. I saw a chance, and I took it, but again, the fellow in front of me had to slam his brakes again because of the people in front of him. Boom. I hit his bumper with my right headlights. Ironically, traffic starting moving. We were able to get over and he was fine, his bumper was loose, and my car was smashed in the front right side so badly, that I knew if didn't get home soon, I'd have to call a tow truck. It drove, but I probably should not have driven it. The thing that I think about the most is, I am so glad G was not with me. It was on 71, during rush hour. If he had climbed out of his seat and got out of the car, OMG. I don't even like to think about it. Feeling so grateful he was safe. I hope to get my car back soon. It's waiting for the adjuster at the shop. I've been driving for 20 years, I've driven in Canada, USA, from Boston to Florida, from Cleveland to Chicago, from Cleveland to Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Wash DC. I survived Atlanta traffic every day for 2 years, and Cincinnati is the city that finally gets me. Ugh.
I will not complain. I am alive. My son is safe.
I just need some boring for a while.
Last week I was still battling my bronchitis (i still have a cough), I got divorced, and in my first auto accident.
Ready for boring!!!!
So, yesterday G and I went to the pool. We had a very nice time. When we got home, I saw that he needed to pee. We ran to the potty. I sat him on the potty. He wasn't sure if he could do it. I told him that Tony Stark (Iron Man) can pee on the potty, too! He took the cue, finally, and HURRAH! Victory.
I made a huge fuss. He acted like it was nothing. I gave him a small prize and a cupcake.
This morning he told me that he already peed on the potty (so we had a full pull up). I keep telling him that he has to do it all of the time now. We will keep trying.
On Thursday this week, on my way home from work to pick him up from his dad's and give Grandma a break, I was in a car accident. One that was my fault I suppose, because I knew the folks in front of me were dealing with some idiot in front of them repeatedly brake slamming, People were coming up behind me fast and getting too close. I got nervous and I wanted to get over. I saw a chance, and I took it, but again, the fellow in front of me had to slam his brakes again because of the people in front of him. Boom. I hit his bumper with my right headlights. Ironically, traffic starting moving. We were able to get over and he was fine, his bumper was loose, and my car was smashed in the front right side so badly, that I knew if didn't get home soon, I'd have to call a tow truck. It drove, but I probably should not have driven it. The thing that I think about the most is, I am so glad G was not with me. It was on 71, during rush hour. If he had climbed out of his seat and got out of the car, OMG. I don't even like to think about it. Feeling so grateful he was safe. I hope to get my car back soon. It's waiting for the adjuster at the shop. I've been driving for 20 years, I've driven in Canada, USA, from Boston to Florida, from Cleveland to Chicago, from Cleveland to Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Wash DC. I survived Atlanta traffic every day for 2 years, and Cincinnati is the city that finally gets me. Ugh.
I will not complain. I am alive. My son is safe.
I just need some boring for a while.
Last week I was still battling my bronchitis (i still have a cough), I got divorced, and in my first auto accident.
Ready for boring!!!!
So, yesterday G and I went to the pool. We had a very nice time. When we got home, I saw that he needed to pee. We ran to the potty. I sat him on the potty. He wasn't sure if he could do it. I told him that Tony Stark (Iron Man) can pee on the potty, too! He took the cue, finally, and HURRAH! Victory.
I made a huge fuss. He acted like it was nothing. I gave him a small prize and a cupcake.
This morning he told me that he already peed on the potty (so we had a full pull up). I keep telling him that he has to do it all of the time now. We will keep trying.
Until next time...
Friday, May 2, 2014
he tells me he loves me
Back when G was diagnosed with Autism, I remember a lot of things went through my head as tears welled up in my eyes.
Things that I tried to rationalize - never really believing that it was just echolalia and not really expressive language. There was something in him that, down to my core, i knew he could understand me and just couldn’t tell us so.
Things that I tried to rationalize - never really believing that it was just echolalia and not really expressive language. There was something in him that, down to my core, i knew he could understand me and just couldn’t tell us so.
It’s been two years since he was diagnosed and so much has happened.
My now ex-husband (divorce papers are signed - the court date is exactly one month away) and I were really not operating as a team around that time - and actually the diagnosis forced us to communicate a little bit more than we were.
So, just 10 months prior to G’s diagnosis, his dad had filed for divorce from me. I kind of knew I was in a not so great marriage, but when G came along - my love for him overpowered any thing else I was feeling. Aug 25, 2011 was the day I was served. June 15, 2012 was the day G was diagnosed. Talk about life changes. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
My ex (G’s dad) had been expressing to me pretty early on, even before we moved to Atlanta from Cleveland, that he thought G might have autism. He was hyper focused on the alphabet, but he couldn’t even ask for juice. I mentioned it to his pediatrician in Georgia, but he just shrugged it off. G was the master of echolalia. I had told him to wash his hands before the doctor came in. So, when the doctor came in, he chirped, “wash your hands!” The bow-tie clad, elderly gentleman laughed and did wash his hands. He thought G had been engaging him. I knew he was echoing me.
So, I was working in the best paying, and nerdiest job since I have been working as a nurse. In Atlanta. Our hospital was the one sponsored by the Braves and the Falcons. Ultra hip area, and I was really excited about work, but not so much about my commute. We moved to the BURBS (more like the mountains…) but anyway, G was in a really nice daycare which was paid for by me, every month. The teachers loved him. Some of them realized he was a bit different and when I came in and told Ms Allison about his diagnosis, she took me under her wing and told me some things that made me feel a bit better about our situation.
In hindsight, I realize that everything that happened down there, though very expensive and out of my pockets, all of the effort was worth it. I mean it. It took us a few months to get him enrolled in the public school half day program for autistic children, but when he did get it, it was awesome. Ms Lori and Ms Cortney were awesome. G knew all of the names of the kids in his class, and he adored them. He still was not speaking a whole lot, but he was speaking more than he had been. You know - i’ll take it, right!!!??
My ex heard that his parents condo in Ohio (cincy area) was empty and apparently they had offered for us to live there for a bit for free to get on our feet. I had to leave my job - the best paying job I had ever had - and take a 10K paycut. All of G’s expenses still fell on me. This was brutal. I am not quite recovered from this yet, but I will be soon. BUT OMG autism is expensive. He’s the thing, though. My new job is super nerdy and cool, even if it doesn’t pay as much, and it’s flexible, and my insurance is awesome. G had 18k in medical costs and I only had to pay (the many many) co-pays.
So, just 10 months prior to G’s diagnosis, his dad had filed for divorce from me. I kind of knew I was in a not so great marriage, but when G came along - my love for him overpowered any thing else I was feeling. Aug 25, 2011 was the day I was served. June 15, 2012 was the day G was diagnosed. Talk about life changes. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
My ex (G’s dad) had been expressing to me pretty early on, even before we moved to Atlanta from Cleveland, that he thought G might have autism. He was hyper focused on the alphabet, but he couldn’t even ask for juice. I mentioned it to his pediatrician in Georgia, but he just shrugged it off. G was the master of echolalia. I had told him to wash his hands before the doctor came in. So, when the doctor came in, he chirped, “wash your hands!” The bow-tie clad, elderly gentleman laughed and did wash his hands. He thought G had been engaging him. I knew he was echoing me.
So, I was working in the best paying, and nerdiest job since I have been working as a nurse. In Atlanta. Our hospital was the one sponsored by the Braves and the Falcons. Ultra hip area, and I was really excited about work, but not so much about my commute. We moved to the BURBS (more like the mountains…) but anyway, G was in a really nice daycare which was paid for by me, every month. The teachers loved him. Some of them realized he was a bit different and when I came in and told Ms Allison about his diagnosis, she took me under her wing and told me some things that made me feel a bit better about our situation.
In hindsight, I realize that everything that happened down there, though very expensive and out of my pockets, all of the effort was worth it. I mean it. It took us a few months to get him enrolled in the public school half day program for autistic children, but when he did get it, it was awesome. Ms Lori and Ms Cortney were awesome. G knew all of the names of the kids in his class, and he adored them. He still was not speaking a whole lot, but he was speaking more than he had been. You know - i’ll take it, right!!!??
My ex heard that his parents condo in Ohio (cincy area) was empty and apparently they had offered for us to live there for a bit for free to get on our feet. I had to leave my job - the best paying job I had ever had - and take a 10K paycut. All of G’s expenses still fell on me. This was brutal. I am not quite recovered from this yet, but I will be soon. BUT OMG autism is expensive. He’s the thing, though. My new job is super nerdy and cool, even if it doesn’t pay as much, and it’s flexible, and my insurance is awesome. G had 18k in medical costs and I only had to pay (the many many) co-pays.
Moving to Cincy has been a surreal experience. It’s been pretty good as far as autism care goes. I feel like an alien on a new planet that just doesn’t ever become familiar. P and I had talked about moving to Chicago many times in the past, and so much that I had a phone interview with two hospitals out there. We have a tribe of friends ready and waiting to take us in there. P had decided not to pursue the job he could have taken out there. I think about the what-ifs, and I wonder, would we have diagnosed the autism in the same way? Was this the right path to take? Is Cincy the place I need to be? I don’t know. I know my hometown of Wash DC is out of the budget for me. Home - I have been priced out from you...I want to be close to my cousins and I miss them so much. I have a little brother and sister near philly, too. Oh east coast!!!
G has more friends here than I do. Impressed? Yes! Even though I am lonely as hell here, I see how well my son is doing. I can deal with lonely. Because my son tells me he loves me. He can TALK ! and he can tell me HE LOVES ME. he says MOM I LOVE YOU.
G has more friends here than I do. Impressed? Yes! Even though I am lonely as hell here, I see how well my son is doing. I can deal with lonely. Because my son tells me he loves me. He can TALK ! and he can tell me HE LOVES ME. he says MOM I LOVE YOU.
After a year and a half of speech, OT, and PT, my son is more confident and vocal than ever. He uses receptive and expressive language daily. He still struggles to try to converse, but he can tell you why he won’t let me wash the temporary tattoos off of his face “because they make me beautiful.”
Whatever crazy crap I have been through, well, it is all worth it I suppose. The mountain of debt and rivers of tears I have endured!!!
I am exhausted. I am so tired that I have this night to myself - first one in ages - and I want to go home and nap. I think I will.
Right now, all I know is that things are about to change again - G has to leave his awesome preschool because the teacher-student ratio is too much for him. He did OK in the public school last year but it’s part time. We hope we are doing the right thing by using the OHIO autism scholarship this summer.
I don’t know which is the best place to be when you are raising a child with autism. But Ohio seems to be pretty good, actually. Only thing is, I’m so far from everything I know...even Cleveland is several hours away. At least I could drive to Chicago or Philly or DC or Baltimore in a day from Cleveland.
I, by the grace of all things good, have a job. I live down the road from my ex, but he’s hinting he doesn’t want me to live so close. Hah! But seriously - shared parenting is much easier when you are in the same 5 mile radius.
This area is expensive. I can’t find anything that I can afford that meets the criteria of the courts and the ex and my needs. You can’t please them all. I must find a happy medium.
Right now, I am going to just try to breathe, wait for my lease to end, find something reasonable, and take tiny bits of ME time whenever I can get them.
Whatever crazy crap I have been through, well, it is all worth it I suppose. The mountain of debt and rivers of tears I have endured!!!
I am exhausted. I am so tired that I have this night to myself - first one in ages - and I want to go home and nap. I think I will.
Right now, all I know is that things are about to change again - G has to leave his awesome preschool because the teacher-student ratio is too much for him. He did OK in the public school last year but it’s part time. We hope we are doing the right thing by using the OHIO autism scholarship this summer.
I don’t know which is the best place to be when you are raising a child with autism. But Ohio seems to be pretty good, actually. Only thing is, I’m so far from everything I know...even Cleveland is several hours away. At least I could drive to Chicago or Philly or DC or Baltimore in a day from Cleveland.
I, by the grace of all things good, have a job. I live down the road from my ex, but he’s hinting he doesn’t want me to live so close. Hah! But seriously - shared parenting is much easier when you are in the same 5 mile radius.
This area is expensive. I can’t find anything that I can afford that meets the criteria of the courts and the ex and my needs. You can’t please them all. I must find a happy medium.
Right now, I am going to just try to breathe, wait for my lease to end, find something reasonable, and take tiny bits of ME time whenever I can get them.
Little G is turning 5. Tomorrow I write & mail the party invites.
My little guy has been able to engage his friends enough that they know he is turning 5.
so good.
so good.
He tells me he loves me. This was the stuff I thought was off of the table. I tell you - the things are not off of the table - it’s just different things on a different table.
More soon - I promise.
More soon - I promise.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Sing to me
My son sings everything that he does. "Building a Lego house!"
"Mommy, don't play with giant robots!"
In spite of his dad and my being in the middle of a divorce, and me being broke, tired, and crying all of the time, he is thriving.
All of that therapy-ot,pt, and SLP...worth every penny. I can almost converse with my son.
You can't put a price on that.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
It's just that we're living
I know I haven't posted much.
Honestly, I am so busy and overwhelmed I can hardly keep the house clean.
However, a lot has happened which I will tell you about:
1. multidisciplinary meeting with our Autism Center went very well.
2. The school decided that he didn't need summer programming?!
3. Still no professional ABA though P and I use Apps and PECS and art to help him.
4. We found a game called bug builder that is awesome and has made it easier for us to wipe food and dirt off of his face. how about one for teeth brushing and nail clipping!>
5. OT went really well yesterday. They are going to help us with G's food aversions and grooming and sensory processing!!! every two weeks.
6. His yearly check up for the longitudinal study went very well as well. He is still delayed...but he has gained 22 months worth of speech and language in only ONE YEAR.
More soon, I promise. So much to talk about.
Meanwhile, keep on educating yourself about Autism Spectrum. Please.
Thank you.
Honestly, I am so busy and overwhelmed I can hardly keep the house clean.
However, a lot has happened which I will tell you about:
1. multidisciplinary meeting with our Autism Center went very well.
2. The school decided that he didn't need summer programming?!
3. Still no professional ABA though P and I use Apps and PECS and art to help him.
4. We found a game called bug builder that is awesome and has made it easier for us to wipe food and dirt off of his face. how about one for teeth brushing and nail clipping!>
5. OT went really well yesterday. They are going to help us with G's food aversions and grooming and sensory processing!!! every two weeks.
6. His yearly check up for the longitudinal study went very well as well. He is still delayed...but he has gained 22 months worth of speech and language in only ONE YEAR.
More soon, I promise. So much to talk about.
Meanwhile, keep on educating yourself about Autism Spectrum. Please.
Thank you.
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