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My house is a mess. I am exhausted! this was another day of 4 hours in the car. Ugh. Work was good though. Got a lot done.
I am sitting down on the couch watching Graeme play with a toy I bought him before he was born. A lullaby Glo-worm. He LOVES it. He has rediscovered it. He's holding it like a baby and kissing it. I'm not interfering.
P and I think we are pretty lucky in so many ways; it's funny how many people say "i am sorry" when you tell them about G's diagnosis. It's been hard, well...it IS hard. But we're not feeling sorry, or sorry for ourselves, because at lease now we know what we need to do, and I am no longer to live in denial. Not that you need to hear it, but I am so over the moon for this kid. I feel like he was meant for me. He is my sky, and stars, and everything.
P expressed to me that, when G was 18 months or so, and completely obsessed with the alphabet, that G might be showing more signs of autism. I just wanted to believe that he was just super smart, and that was just him being shy and nerdy. However, when he would get upset, instead of saying, No, or Wah! he would say, crying, ABCDEFG! I remember the puzzled looks P and I used to give each other.
Right now, as I write, he is repeating phrases he's heard all day today, from us and at school. He practices talking. From talking to other parents, we understand that it sounds pretty awesome. Our kid talks! What a lot of people don't realize is, he can talk, but he had a hard time communicating. Sort of like how I know a lot of french words, but I don't know how to use them and have a hard time expressing them when pressed to. We got the school district's evaluation, which they have combined with the university's evaluation. It was kind of upsetting, because it just reinforces what we already knew. However, this is also a good thing, because now we have a school district verifying that our son has the developmental issues (speech, behavior, communication, etc) and will need intervention by the school. I feel like, at home, we are making progress with the sensory stuff. haircuts are still a bit of a crisis, but he has been letting us wash his hair once a week. If you think that is gross, don't worry, we comb and brush it everyday, twice a day, and use a gentle soap and water rinse every other day. He is starting to love baths again. Can't clip his toenails unless he sound asleep. And he's a light sleeper. He fell yesterday and hit his chin. Big bruise. I told him later that he has a bruise and he laughed hysterically. He has inappropriate reactions to pain often. We're working on signing with him. He can sign "hurt" but doesn't always apply it.
Baby signing time is great, though. Read that Rachel from baby signing time is 2nd cousins or something like that with the Butler brothers from Arcade Fire. Pretty cool!
P and I have some pretty exciting news (no, we're not having any more kids!!) but we are keeping quiet until we know all of the details. I'll give you a hint: closer to family. Good programs for G. Stable place to live. Closer to more friends. Not DC :(

Private message me if you wanna know the dirt.

It's Friday night. G is up partying with his daddy and I gotta tell them it's bedtime!
Rudy the cat has a vet appt in the AM. He pooped on Graeme's favorite alphabet book last night. We think he has a G I problem or he is having issues with loneliness because Boots is gone and he can still smell him on our furniture and because we don't play with him as much because of all the therapy stuff we do with G at home now.
It should be said that G is rough with Rudy and Rudy never swats back. The only time Rudy swatted was back when Boots died and G pulled his tail.
Our cats have always been very dog
Like and protective of G. I feel lucky in that way.
So I hope Rudy is ok. He puts up with a lot. We love him and I don't know if I can take another furry baby passing away!

hands full!

Today I am trying to keep a balance of parenting, laundry, cards & scans, and trying to relax. Up against huge deadline at work which may require me to work a few weekends this month. yuk. Gota enjoy family time today. I am set up where we can all play together.
Our son is feeling under the weather; has some kind of cold or allergies. Extra clingy, which isn't too bad because we love hugs and snuggles.
with just what P and I are doing at home (best we can) he's making great progress.

He's playing with my phone. Pretty cute.

So, I ran into the PhD lady who diagnosed him on Friday. Randomly. She's running a longitudinal study on early intervention in autism. We hope her study stays funded so he can follow up with her next year at the age of four. It was nice to see her.

It was weird because I was looking at a condo in the school district we would like to be in. Afterward, i got some fro-yo and there she was. Just wow. I took it as a sign that maybe that is where we should be.

However, I was in a hurry to leave and go get G from preschool, so I didn't check my email. The condo was in a desirable area. someone wrote to the owner first & they got it. Crap.

P and I are tired of being in the car 3 hours a day, each. If we stay in our metro area, we HAVE to move closer to the autism resources and our jobs. I have so much on my mind. Yikes. Tired of moving, tired of making dumb decisions. Want all decisions from now on to benefit my son. Thank goodness for parents who have tread this road before we have, and have given us so much to work from.

Can't wait for the TACA conference. 

Just learned that Tony from the punk band Adolescents is a huge advocate for Autism and taught special ed, and is the parent of a child on the spectrum. Wow. I haven't seen "the other f-word" yet...(is he in that?) but hope P and I  can watch it tonight after G goes to bed. If he falls asleep at a decent time! (sleep disturbances are common in Autism.)

me: "i love you" him: "thermostat."

Quick update.
So, our son hasn't been eating a lot lately. He's got seasonal allergies like I do, and it kills his appetite. Luckily, I can sneak Zyrtec into his "green juice." His favorite protein used to be morning star farms "chik'n grillers" which are vegetarian gluten bombs. We went against his diet and, two days in a row, gave him a griller as part of his dinner.
Now I really see why they tell you to cut out the gluten. It's like erasing a lot of the interventions we already have done. His behavior is unreal. Bouncing off of the walls, hitting himself, pushing his teachers, not being able to sleep, not being able to talk as much (more squeaking and TONS of delayed echolalia).
No more gluten. no more! I guess Paul and I will have to eat it or give it away.
G's teachers pulled me aside and told me how much his behavior had changed this week and I felt bad. But they also confessed that they'd been giving the other kids goldfish in front of him, and he ended up stealing some from the other kids cups. Casein and gluten.
So, yeah, he's regressed a bit this week. He probably feels like crap, what with the allergies, and GI stuff and that always makes the sensory stuff worse, too.
He DOES, however, (50% of the time) tell us that it's "time to say bye-bye poo poo" when he messes his pull-up. We are using the story "once upon a potty" to potty train him, so we follow the story and the routine really helps. We're still hoping he will tell us when he's wet, but we aren't there yet. We sit him on the potty every day and he NEVER goes pee. He'll hold it until he gets a pull-up.

Most pre-school EI programs want kids his age (even autistic ones) to be potty trained. So we wait. and keep trying.

My commute and the hubby's commute are terrible, so we are thinking about moving back to the area we first moved to in Atlanta.
Everyone says, You move a lot.
Yes, we do. We're renters. We can't buy a house. We are always at the mercy of whatever landlord we have. The likelihood of me ever being a homeowner? ha. forget it. any extra money I get at this point is going to go to my son's therapy with the goal of him being an independent adult one day.
If we do not get this therapy, he will not be. He is socially developmentally delayed. He needs some OT and SLP.
He's gonna be a bit miserable til the gluten is out of his system, a few weeks, probably. We are prepared for melt downs and misery. We will take all of the kisses and hugs we can get.

We hope to make the fundraising goal, but if we don't that's okay, too.
http://igg.me/p/198392?a=991292

I've called the autism daycare and they told me, as they have before, that most kids age out before they ever get in. ugh. We are now at the mercy of the school district.
Waiting lists.
Autism is a friggin epidemic. don't get me started.

I just wanna go hug my son now.

60 days. and so on.

Some stuff.
Yesterday we made a lot of potty training progress. It was fleeting...we haven't got consistent yet, but progress is progress and I am not going to complain!
We met with the school board preschool program today and it was actually not as scary as we had thought. Of course, G was a hit with the ladies (he always is), and one of the workers told us she would be delighted to have him in her program.
In 60 days (they say 60 at most), they will have gotten the feedback from the preschool, and compiled all the results of his assessment today. They will decide if they will even OFFER the services we KNOW he needs.
The wording was kind of heart breaking...like they could decide to NOT offer us services.
I have had several friends write me and tell me that their state, or county, has been great and that they are getting all of the early intervention for "free" (also known as THE TAX DOLLARS they, and their fellow residents have already paid.) This may or may not be the case, and as our county has a few "furlough" days this year, well, I know we may not get all that we need which makes the fundraiser all the more important. Next year when I have my FSA, I know I have to put way more aside. I am a nervous wreck.
Our appointment with the super awesome autism center doctor falls within the 60 days. I can't wait to meet him and find out what he thinks they can do for our son. I have been telling the evaluators...a goal that I have is, if I die when he is a young adult, I at least want him to be able to balance a check book and pay rent, and know how to cook.
I'm having a high anxiety day and my phone is upstairs and I am not. Sorry if I have not answered your texts, calls. A lot of crap is going on and I just need to sit here and not think about it for a minute. And, get up and chase my son a lot, because he is three and is a little stuntman.
We may have to cough up the dough after all for the OT, as the school doesn't really incorporate that until WAY into the program, and they ask for it based on how he does in the therapies that they *MAY*  provide *IF* they decide he needs them.
Yikes.
I am in knots.

The good news is, our preschool/daycare LOVES our son. Our son is generally well behaved and sweet and doesn't go out of his way to bother other children. He swats when they bother him. He hasn't figured out how to say "leave me alone" yet. We're working on it. The feedback from the school is more positive than negative. He gives hugs and kisses and high fives, and loves stories and playtime. He impressed the teachers by naming all of the planets the other day. Yes, he knows all of them. Backwards and forwards. My little database. Now, if he could just tell me what's on his mind!
One day...

guest blogger!

I was honored to be a guest blogger on the Mommy Dialogues. Here's the link.

http://themommydialogues.com/2012/mom-monday-just-one-part-of-the-human-experience/

a wee bit overwhelmed

I'm fighting a migraine, I get two a week, so I will make this brief.
If I can get outside and not puke my guts out from the light sensitivity, G and I are going for a ride in his favorite stroller.
Last year, I bought a bumbleride, used, off of craigslist. it is so much fun for him, as it has air inflated tires and a smooth ride...in other words, easy on the senses.

I am going to take Labor day off, (normally I could be working) and use the day to get together with Paul in the morning before Graeme wakes up and have a meeting of the minds. We each know autism advocacy stuff that the other doesn't know. We need to talk over coffee. Exchange ideas. Probably download and print more paperwork. I'm being treated for anxiety (by telling you this, I hope to take some of the stigma out of taking charge of your mental health). Part of the treatment involves facing the fear of the paperwork. Just thinking about it gives me chest pain! eeeeeeep. I have to get strong, and I have to stay focused. My son is the best motivation.

I skipped yoga today. it's two hours away, and I can't handle driving when I feel this ill. (migraines can be caused by anxiety and stress, duh...right?)

Marriage communication was really difficult when I was on nights and he on days. Now, we're both on days, but we live in a rental we picked out before we knew our jobs were going to change. we both spend up to 3 hours a day in the car. it's really taking a toll on me. I wouldn't mind if it was a bus or train, but it's a car ride and it's scary when you are tired. I wish it made sense to move back to the apartment complex, but it doesn't right now. We are too noisy (Graeme plays drums) to be apartment dwellers anymore!)

G (my son) has out grown a lot of his stuff and we have things to mail, things to sell, things to give away. Bittersweet. My boy is growing up!

one large poop for mankind.

I know, gross right? Just what you wanted to read about. Well, I am a nurse and guess what, poop doesn't phase me. That's why when I became a new mom, diapers were probably one of the easiest thing about motherhood.
I am writing about poop today because something remarkable happened.
My most excellent friend and soon-to-be-mom friend Shannon M. bought me a gift card to get a massage. To say it was desperately needed is an understatement. I went this morning and I could FEEL the knots in my muscles. Painful, yes. Worth it? More than I can say. (Shannon - you are AMAZING).
So, my husband tells me as I am on the way home (via the farmer's market to get some fresh fruit, veggies, and such) that our son pooped. Good! Victorious, even, as when he gets ANY casein in his diet it backs him up awfully.
I come home, and we're playing, and he's destroying the living room. All of the sudden he is grabbing his pull-up, says "bye bye poo poo" and very carefully pulls it off and runs into the bathroom. This is THE FIRST TIME he has ever told me in any way that he has gone or has to go #2. He had already gone, but at least he TOLD ME!!!
We go in to the bathroom and take care of it. He is thrilled. He even got excited about washing his hands.
We still have a long way to go, still, but my husband and I work VERY VERY hard to get him to communicate his needs without stressing him out too much. It seems to be working.

I am pretty exhausted. My husband left when I got home to go to the autism support meeting (30 miles from our house). If we had a reliable baby-sitter with special needs experience, I could have gone to the meeting, too.

We had wanted to buy a house over that way but we just can't. Most of why is because when you get bombarded with medical bills you can't pay, they send you to collections. We've both been sent to collections in the last year for stuff our insurance wouldn't cover for him, for me, and, you guessed it...our son.
Insurance would not cover the ER visits when our son had a reaction to the antibiotics for his last ear infections. The rash left scars. The bills have left scars on our credit. They really don't give out mortgages like they used to.

So we are stuck in our rental, really far from our jobs, really far from anyone we really know. Just super thankful I have a job right now. I don't know what we'd do at this point. It's 5pm and I feel like I could pass out. Just so tired.

Thanks for reading.